What’s Really Happening When Someone Calls You Cheap
People call each other all types of names every day. Cheap is one that’s been directed at me before. Sometimes it was a small jab between friends and didn’t bug me at all. Other times it’s truly been used to hurt me, and to pressure me into making a decision. People doing this are usually making an accusation that you are not making good on a debt. Usually, it’s a debt that exists in their minds, but not one you’ve ever talked about or agreed to. And is usually has nothing to do with money. It’s much often a much deeper accusation – that by refusing to purchase something, you’re turning your back on something or someone. Weddings are the worst one where that has happened to me. It actually took one failed wedding plan for me to really understand this. But – I did my processing, and managed to throw an 80+ person wedding for $1000 dollars that felt like an absolute representation of who we are.
Often, you hear people say things like “It’s just money.” Usually, they’re asserting that the idea behind whatever they are pressuring you to buy should be worth more to you. In this scenario, they’re putting you in the position of explaining yourself and your choices – which inherently validates the idea of debt they’ve crafted for you, while positioning you as negging on it. So it’s very important to reframe the whole conversation from the start.
What You Can Do When Someone Calls You Cheap
So, rather than starting by explaining yourself in response to their accusations, you need to start by questioning them. This does not mean prosecute them. Your goal isn’t actually to prove them wrong – it’s to bring some breathing room into a stuffy conversation. If you prosecute people in this phase you’ll just end up in a worse fight and farther apart from whoever is accusing you (even if, at the moment, winding up farther apart from someone sounds like a desired outcome). The point here is that someone calling you names owes it to you to qualify their statements and clarify their beliefs. So, ask them to do so with questions of your own before you explain anything.
“What do you like to spend money on?”
“Do you think the way someone feels about X is shown by how much money they spend on it?”
“If someone didn’t have money, how would they show that they care about Y?” and “If there is another way to show that someone cares about Y, then why is spending money on it important?”
Don’t worry about getting perfect, self-aware answers from someone. What they say almost doesn’t matter. It matters that the questions got asked. If you are in front of a group of people, they will start to draw their own opinions and conclusions without you needing to lead them directly to it. If it’s just you and the accuser, this is still worthwhile. Not many people change their minds in an instant, and its unlikely to happen in front of you. But by asking the questions, you open the door to them continuing to explore these ideas. You’re allowing space for someone to think differently and to process at their choosing. The mission of this blog isn’t just about helping one person process their thoughts and feelings toward work, money, and life – it’s to create a community of people who do this and who hold space for others to do this. And by leaving whatever the offer as their response as their current thinking without judging it, you leave their own legacy in their hands. For someone to change minds, this is a much more powerful and motivating place to start than judgement or shame.
So, you asked the questions, and let them said whatever they say. If you have a sense that they are now genuinely asking questions about your choices and beliefs (rather than goading you into theirs) you may choose to place your beliefs in context for them. And at this point, it’s a more even footing for you to do so because the accuser doesn’t get to keep their beliefs unexamined on a pedestal.
Give the honest answer, but only as much of it as you’re willing to share. Don’t try to reference things they stated when answering your questions – being drawn into comparisons is dangerous and counterproductive.
Just tell them what’s in your mind and heart. I often say that time is my most valuable resource on this planet. I only have so much, but it feeds everything – it’s what I invest into my health, my mental well-being, and what I have to show up with in my relationships. When I save money, really, I’m spending it – I’m buying my own freedom, a couple of dollars at a time. That is the most precious purchase I’ll ever make.
After the Conversation – What You Should Do
Let the conversation end there. If they keep talking, you can switch the subject or excuse yourself. At this point, everyone has lots to think about. More talk isn’t the most helpful thing right now, more processing is. There is a point where talking becomes denial, don’t let it get there. After a full, two-way exchange of ideas, take time. And with that time, do your own processing. You might not change your beliefs, but be honest with yourself – how did that go? How often does this person pressure you into decisions? What are they afraid of? What are you afraid of? Do your processing to get back to peace, and allow yourself to rest. Continue with your plan to buy your own freedom. Be grateful for the bumps on the way that spur these conversations. As unpleasant and hurtful as they can be to start, they are a chance to examine and re-commit to your beliefs, as well as an opportunity to let people you care about in along the way. If they come, that’s great. If not, you can rest well knowing that you opened the door for them rather than turning your back in anger.
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